Rejection Proof shows you that no “No”lasts forever, and how you can use rejection therapy to change your perspective of fear, embrace new challenges, and hear the word “Yes” more often than ever before.
Jia Jiang had what most people would consider “it all.” The Fortune 500 employer, the six-figure salary, a huge house, and a baby on the way. But like so many others, chasing economic incentives did not make Jia happy. What he really wanted was to be independent – an entrepreneur.
His wife supported him in taking six months off to start a company, but ultimately his habit gamification app failed, because in spite of incessant practice, a major investor rejected him after his pitch.
All “No’s” hurt, but this one stung particularly hard, so Jia decided to seek out rejection and document his journey. For 100 days, he made all kinds of crazy requests to people, companies and the world, recorded himself doing it and shared what he learned.
This book is the result of that journey and it can teach you a whole lot about rejection.
Here are 3 lessons to help you see the word “No” in a whole new light:
Being rejected hurts so bad because it’s hard to blame on anyone but yourself.
Rejection always has a number.
When people discourage you it might be a sign that you’re ahead of the pack.
Ready to master rejection and bust through your fears? Let’s get rejection proof!
Lesson 1: People saying “No” to you feels personal, because you blame it on yourself.
The times when rejection was actually dangerous are over. Just like with most others of our fears, the fear of rejection is no longer a useful mechanism in times when all or most of our basic needs are taken care of.
Back in the Stone Age, being isolated or rejected from your tribe was almost a death sentence. If everyone else left you out in the cold and you had to get food and fight scary beasts alone, your chances grew slimmer by the minute.
Today though, no single rejection will kill you. Then why the hell does it hurt so bad?
It’s because we always take rejection personal. When someone tells you “No” straight to your face, it’s very hard to not blame yourself. Losing a job, failing an exam, or making a mistake can all be blamed on your uncertain environment. But when your date tells you she doesn’t want to see you again after having dinner, that’s hard to put on the waiter.
The rejector suddenly has power of the rejected, the exchange isn’t fair and two people who used to be equal are now split into the one who picks and the one who didn’t get picked.
It sucks to be number two and it always feels like there’s something wrong with you. But it isn’t.
Lesson 2: Rejection always has a number. No “No” is forever.
One of the main qualities of optimists is that they see negative events as temporary, specific to a situation and impersonal. Once you do the same with rejection, your entire perspective on it will change.
Since rejection is always an exchange between two or more people, it’s always based on those peoples’ opinions. However, opinions are subjective, and therefore no single rejection is the result of an objective or final verdict about you as a person.
Every rejection is unique and every request will lead to a different response, based on lots of factors, like environment, timing and of course, who you’re asking.
Keeping in mind that you can always change a few variables like the above three, every rejection has a number on it. Once you get past that number, you’re bound to get a “Yes.” It’s simply a matter of persistence and changing the right variables.
Lesson 3: All revolutionary ideas were once dismissed as crazy, so rejection might be a sign you’re ahead of the pack.
Galileo Galilei’s idea that the earth revolves around the sun, not the other way around, Apple’s first tablet computer in 1993 and Twitter’s 140 character limit.
All three of these were initially laughed out of the room by the masses. Rejected. It took a while for them to catch on, but, as it turns out, all three were simply revolutionary ideas, who were ahead of their time.
Rejection is often a sign that you’re on to something important. Whether you look at authors being turned down by publishers, concept cars never making it into manufacturing, or startups struggling for funding – revolutionary ideas seldom spread fast, because the majority can’t even grasp them yet (otherwise they wouldn’t be revolutionary).
When it seems like you’re being rejected simply because herds of particular groups of people don’t want to listen to you, keep pushing. It’s not always the messenger that’s insane.
My personal take-aways
I keep wondering why no one has done this before Jia, or if just no one has done it as publicly and successfully as him. A 100-day rejection challenge is a fairly simple concept, but apparently Jia struck the right nerve at the right time. Admittedly, his ideas for rejections were very creative, which made his requests and videos fun to watch.
One of the most surprising things I’ve learned from him is that rejection occurs much less frequently than we think it does – Jia himself was surprised at how many things he could get, simply by asking for them.
I highly recommend you watch his TED talk, which gives you a first glimpse at his work and then dive deeper into the book, which might change your perspective on rejection forever.
Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang
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Rejection Proof Summary
The Book in Three Sentences
“When you are not afraid of rejection and it feels like you have nothing to lose, amazing things can happen”.
“Becoming a master of a craft requires not just great skills, but also the ability to weather rejections to get to an acceptance—not to mention an unfailing belief in yourself and your own work”.
“What you need is not acceptance from others but acceptance from yourself. Being comfortable with who you are is a prerequisite—not the result—of seeking others’ approval”.
The Five Big Ideas
“When I was confident, friendly, and open, people seemed more inclined to go along with my request; even if they said no, they at least stayed engaged longer to ask questions”.
“If a person who fears rejection were suddenly unafraid of it, what might she be capable of?”
“When you are not afraid of rejection and it feels like you have nothing to lose, amazing things can happen”.
“Through experiment, I observed a very important fact: people could react to the same request very differently, and it said nothing about me”.
“One of the greatest lessons of my journey was that any rejection can have hidden upsides, if only we are willing to look for them”.
Rejection Proof Summary
“When I was confident, friendly, and open, people seemed more inclined to go along with my request; even if they said no, they at least stayed engaged longer to ask questions”.
“If a person who fears rejection were suddenly unafraid of it, what might she be capable of?”
“Paul Graham, the entrepreneur and founder of the famous start-up accelerator Y Combinator, once wrote: ‘The way to get startup ideas is not to try to think of startup ideas. It’s to look for problems, preferably problems you have yourself’.”
“Researchers have even proved that humor—and laughter specifically—can actually mitigate pain”.
“When you are not afraid of rejection and it feels like you have nothing to lose, amazing things can happen”.
“Through
[an]
experiment, I observed a very important fact: people could react to the same request very differently, and it said nothing about me”.
“Rejection seemed less like “the truth” and more like an opinion”.
“That opinion could be based on their mood, their needs and circumstances at that moment, or their knowledge, experience, education, culture, and upbringing over a lifetime”.
“Through my rejection experiments, I began to realize that I could often get a yes simply by talking to enough people”.
“It’s as if becoming a master of a craft requires not just great skills, but also the ability to weather rejections to get to an acceptance—not to mention an unfailing belief in themselves and their own work”.
“But if acceptance is the only thing a person strives for, all she or he needs to do is to talk to enough people. Odds are that someone will eventually say yes”.
“Asking why tended to clear up any misunderstanding on my part about the other person’s motivations”.
“Asking why can open up a whole new channel of understanding and possibility between a requester and a requestee”.
“One of the greatest lessons of my journey was that any rejection can have hidden upsides, if only we are willing to look for them”.
“Instead of sulking, just hanging on, or simply giving up after the first fifteen minutes, I treated the experience as a feedback tool, and quickly changed my tactics without abandoning the cause altogether”.
“Perhaps the question we should ask about an idea is not ‘How do I avoid rejection?’ but ‘Is my idea worthy of rejection?’”
“In the end, what we really need is not acceptance from others but acceptance from ourselves. In fact, being comfortable with who we are should be a prerequisite—not the result—of seeking others’ approval”.
24 Lessons Learned
1. Rejection Is Human: Rejection is a human interaction with two sides. It often says more about the rejector than the rejectee, and should never be used as the universal truth and sole judgment of merit.
2. Rejection Is an Opinion: Rejection is an opinion of the rejector. It is heavily influenced by historical context, cultural differences, and psychological factors. There is no universal rejection or acceptance.
3. Rejection Has a Number: Every rejection has a number. If the rejectee goes through enough rejections, a no could turn into a yes.
4. Ask “Why” Before Good-bye: Sustain the conversation after the initial rejection. The magic word is “why,” which can often reveal the underlying reason for the rejection and present the rejectee with the opportunity to overcome the issue.
5. Retreat, Don’t Run: By not giving up after the initial rejection, and instead retreating to a lesser request, one has a much higher chance of landing a yes.
6. Collaborate, Don’t Contend: Never argue with the rejector. Instead, try to collaborate with the person to make the request happen.
7. Switch Up, Don’t Give Up: Before deciding to quit or not to quit, step back and make the request to a different person, in a different environment, or under a different circumstance.
8. Give A “Why”: By explaining the reason behind the request, one has a higher chance to be accepted.
9. Start with “I”: Starting the request with the word “I” can give the requestor more authentic control of the request. Never pretend to think in the other person’s interests without genuinely knowing them.
10. Acknowledge Doubts: By admitting obvious and possible objections in your request before the other person, one can increase the trust level between the two parties.
11. Target the Audience: By choosing a more receptive audience, one can enhance the chance of being accepted.
12. Patience and Respect: Rejection is usually a hard message. Delivering the message with the right attitude can go a long way to soften the blow. Never belittle the rejectee.
13. Be Direct: When giving a rejection, present the reason after the rejection. Avoid long and convoluted setup and reasoning.
14. Offer Alternatives: By offering alternatives to get a yes, or even simple concessions, one can make the other person a fan even in rejection.
15. Motivation: Rejection can be used as one of the strongest motivations to fuel someone’s fire for achievement.
16. Self-Improvement: By taking the motion out of rejection, one can use it as an effective way to improve an idea or product.
17. Worthiness: Sometimes it is good to be rejected, especially if public opinion is heavily influenced by group and conventional thinking, and if the idea is radically creative.
18. Character Building: By seeking rejection in tough environments, one can build up the mental toughness to take on greater goals.
19. Find Empathy: All rejections are shared by many people in the world. One can use rejection and suffering to obtain empathy and understanding of other people.
20. Find Value: Repeated rejections can serve as the measuring stick for one’s resolve and belief. Some of the greatest triumphant stories come only after gut-wrenching rejections.
21. Find Mission: Sometimes the most brutal rejections in life signal a new beginning and mission for the rejectee.
22. Freedom to Ask: We often deprive ourselves of the freedom to ask for what we want in fear of rejection and judgment. But amazing things often happen only after we take the first step.
23. Freedom to Accept Yourself: Our inner need for approval-seeking forces us to constantly look for acceptance from other people. Yet the people from whom we need acceptance the most is ourselves.
24. Detachment from Results: By focusing on controllable factors such as our efforts and actions, and by detaching ourselves from uncontrollable outcomes such as acceptance and rejection, we can achieve greater success in the long run.
Recommended Reading
If you like Rejection Proof, you may also like the following books:
Anything You Want: 40 Lessons for a New Kind of Entrepreneur by Derek Sivers
The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM) by Hal Elrod
Triggers: Sparking Positive Change and Making It Last by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter
Buy The Book: Rejection Proof
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