Procrastination is our voluntary delay of an intended action
Not all delay is procrastination
In
order to overcome procrastination, we need to understand our reluctance to act
when it is in our best interest to act
The Five Big Ideas
Categorize which delays in your life are procrastination
Make predecisions using implementation intentions
Just get started
When working online, block distracting websites like Facebook (I recommend Stay Focused for Google Chrome)
Use willpower strategically
When
we procrastinate, we voluntarily delay an intended action despite the knowledge
that this delay may harm us in terms of the task performance or even just how
we feel about the task or ourselves.
Pychyl
believes there are many types of delay in our lives and we need to learn to
appreciate this. Some are not only necessary; they’re wise.
To
understand the procrastination puzzle—that voluntary but needless delay in our
lives that undermines our goal pursuit—we need to understand our reluctance to
act when it is in our best interest to act.
Pychyl’s
initial strategy for change is to begin categorizing in your own mind which
delays in your life are procrastination.
Exercise:
Write down the tasks, projects, activities, or “things” in your life on which
you tend to procrastinate. Next to each, jot down what emotions and thoughts
come to mind when you think of each of these moments of procrastination. When
you have finished your list, look for patterns in the emotions or thoughts
involved.
“Procrastination
is failing to get on with life itself.”
People
express two kinds of regret in their grief over the loss of a loved one:
regrets of commission and omission. Unsurprisingly, the regrets of omission
related to our procrastination are found to be the most troubling in the
grieving process.
“When
we learn to stop needless, voluntary delay in our lives, we live more fully.”
Exercise:
Next to each of the tasks or goals you wrote down earlier, note how your
procrastination has affected you in terms of things such as your happiness,
stress, health, finances, relationships, and so on. If possible, discuss this
with a confidante or a significant other in your life who knows you well.
Further, add notes about why this goal or task is important to get done, as
well as the benefits of acting now as opposed to later.
Mantra:
I won’t give in to feel good. Feeling good now comes at a cost.
We
fail to self-regulate (control ourselves) because we “give in to feel good.”
Pychyl
says it’s important to recognize that giving in to feel good is at the heart of
self-regulation failure, and it is important to develop strategies for change.
When
faced with a task where our natural inclination is to say, “I’ll do this later”
or “I’ll feel more like this tomorrow,” we need to stop and recognize that we
are saying this in order to avoid the negative emotions we are feeling right
now.
We
need to recognize that this task makes us feel awful and what we are trying to
do is to run away from these feelings.
Emotional
intelligence is the ability to effectively identify and utilize emotions to
guide behavior.
The
first step at the moment of procrastination is to stay put.
Use
an implementation intention to deal with negative emotions, for example, “IF I
feel negative emotions when I face the task at hand, THEN I will stay put and
not stop, put off a task, or run away.”
Forecasting
our future mood is known as affective forecasting.
The
main idea behind affective forecasting is that we have a bias when we predict
future mood (affective) states in relation to positive and negative events.
There
are two biases that influence procrastination:
Focalism.
Our tendency to underestimate the extent to which other events will influence
our thoughts and feelings in the future.
Presentism.
Our tendency to put too much emphasis on the present in our prediction of the
future.
When
we intend a future action, our affective state is often particularly positive.
“When
we are tempted to procrastinate on a current intention or task, thinking that
we’ll feel more like it tomorrow, we need to stop and think, ‘No, that’s a
problem with my forecasting. There is a good chance I won’t feel more like it
tomorrow.’ AND it is important to add the following: ‘My current motivational
state does not need to match my intention in order to act.’”
Acknowledging
that our motivational state is neither necessary nor sufficient to ensure
action, we can simply remind ourselves of our personal goals (a form of
self-affirmation) and “just get started.”
Let
go of the misconception that your motivational state must match the task at
hand.
When
you start to act on your intention as intended, you’ll see your attitude and
motivation change.
We
need to consider the biases in our thinking including our tendency to:
Discount
future rewards in relation to short-term rewards
Underestimate
the time things will take and overestimate how much we can do
Prefer
tomorrow over today
Self-handicap
to protect self-esteem
Think
irrationally about the task at hand and our ability to accomplish the task
Manufacture
our own happiness by changing our thinking to be consistent with our behavior
A
common cause of procrastination is our intransitive preference for approaching
work.
Here’s
an example:
“Imagine
a task is due on Friday. It is now Monday morning. It is preferable to work on
this task Tuesday as opposed to Monday. In other words, the preference for
Tuesday is greater than the preference for Monday. Tuesday arrives. Ah, it’s
preferable to work on this on Wednesday as opposed to Tuesday. Wednesday
arrives. Again, it’s preferable to work on this Thursday instead of Wednesday.
So far, so good; these are transitive relations. Then Thursday arrives. Oops,
we think, it is now preferable that we had begun on Monday.”
Cognitive
dissonance occurs when our actions and beliefs or even two beliefs are in
conflict.
When
we intend to take action and then don’t, we experience cognitive dissonance.
Here
are a few typical reactions that researchers have catalogued as responses to
cognitive dissonance (and ways that we reduce this dissonance):
Distraction.
We divert our attention away from dissonant cognitions and avoid the negative
affective state caused by dissonance.
Forgetting.
This can be in two forms, passive and active. Passive is often the case with
unimportant thoughts, while we may have to actively suppress important
cognitions that are causing dissonance.
Trivialization.
We change our beliefs to reduce the importance of the dissonance-creating
thoughts or beliefs.
Self-affirmation.
We create a focus on our core values and other qualities that reasserts our
sense of self and integrity despite the dissonance.
Denial
of responsibility. This allows us to distance ourselves as a causal agent in
the dissonance.
Adding
consonant cognitions. Seeking out new information that supports our position
(e.g., “this isn’t procrastination”; “I need more information before I can do
anything on this project”).
Making
downward counterfactuals. Rationalizing “it could have been worse” so we just
feel better in the short term.
Changing
behavior to better align with our beliefs and values. This means that we would
act instead of procrastinating, although changing one’s behavior requires
effort and is often not the most convenient way to reduce dissonance.
Recognizing
that it is human nature to have these biases, and more important, identifying
specifically what we tend to do can be the beginning of change. (Note: Dan
Ariely discusses biases at length in Predictably Irrational.)
Once
we start a task, it is rarely as bad as we think. Pychyl’s research found
getting started changes our perceptions of a task. It can also change our
perception of ourselves in important ways.
“When
you find yourself thinking things like: ‘I’ll feel more like doing this
tomorrow,’ ‘I work better under pressure,’ ‘There’s lots of time left,’ ‘I can
do this in a few hours tonight’ … let that be a flag or signal or stimulus to
indicate that you are about to needlessly delay the task, and let it also be
the stimulus to just get started.”
There
are two main approaches to predecisions regarding potential distractions:
Reducing
the number of distractions before we begin to work.
Using
implementation intentions to help us decide ahead of time what we will do when
distractions, obstacles, or setbacks arise.
Implementation
intentions have effects over and above our motivation to succeed.
Willpower
is a limited resource that you need to use strategically.
“It
is exactly when we say to ourselves ‘I’ll feel more like it tomorrow’ that we
have to stop, take a breath, and think about why we intended to do the task
today. Why is it important to us? What benefit is there in making the effort
now? How will this help us achieve our goal? From there, if we can muster the
volitional strength for one more step, that is, to ‘just get started,’ we will
find that we had more self-regulatory strength in reserve than we realized.”
“An
implementation intention may well be the thing that gets you to exercise in the
evening, even though you usually feel much too tired to begin.”
“Don’t
get hypoglycemic; your self-regulation will suffer. Keep a piece of fruit
(complex carbohydrate) handy to restore blood glucose.”
So
much of our ability to self-regulate depends on our motivation.
Research
pioneered by Henri Schouwenburg (University of Groningen) and Clarry Lay (York
University) has revealed that only two of these traits have meaningful
relations with procrastination—Conscientiousness and Neuroticism (which is also
known as Emotional Instability).
Procrastination
draws on our ability to deceive ourselves.
Minimizing
distractions is an important part of curbing our online procrastination.
Recommended Reading
If
you like Solving the Procrastination Puzzle, you may also enjoy the following
books:
“Realpeace and contentment in our lives come from realizing that life is a process to engage in, a journey down a path that we can choose to experience as magical”.
“When
we subtly shift toward both focusing on and finding joy in the process of
achieving instead of having the goal, we have gained a new skill. And once
mastered, it is magical and incredibly empowering”.
“With
deliberate and repeated effort, progress is inevitable”.
The Five Big Ideas
“Real
peace and contentment in our lives come from realizing that life is a process
to engage in, a journey down a path that we can choose to experience as
magical”.
“When
we subtly shift toward both focusing on and finding joy in the process of
achieving instead of having the goal, we have gained a new skill. And once
mastered, it is magical and incredibly empowering”.
“If
you are not in control of your thoughts, then you are not in control of
yourself”.
“A paradox
of life: The problem with patience and discipline is that developing each of
them requires both of them”.
“We
erroneously think that there is a magical point that we will reach and then we
will be happy”.
The
Practicing Mind Summary
“Real
peace and contentment in our lives come from realizing that life is a process
to engage in, a journey down a path that we can choose to experience as
magical”.
“When
we learn to focus on and embrace the process of experiencing life, whether
we’re working toward a personal aspiration or working through a difficult time,
we begin to free ourselves from the stress and anxiety that are born out of our
attachment to our goals, our sense that ‘I can’t feel happiness until I reach
my goal’.”
“This
‘goal’ always takes the form of someplace we have not yet reached, something we
don’t yet have but will at some point, and then, we believe, all will be right
in our life”.
“When
we subtly shift toward both focusing on and finding joy in the process of
achieving instead of having the goal, we have gained a new skill. And once
mastered, it is magical and incredibly empowering”.
“However,
the practicing mind is quiet. It lives in the present and has laser-like,
pinpoint focus and accuracy. It obeys our precise directions, and all our energy
moves through it. Because of this, we are calm and completely free of anxiety.
We are where we should be at that moment, doing what we should be doing and
completely aware of what we are experiencing. There is no wasted motion,
physically or mentally”.
“If
you are not in control of your thoughts, then you are not in control of
yourself”.
“A
paradox of life: The problem with patience and discipline is that developing
each of them requires both of them”.
“We
have a very unhealthy habit of making the product — our intended result — the
goal, instead of the process of reaching that goal”.
“We
erroneously think that there is a magical point that we will reach and then we
will be happy”.
“The
word practice implies the presence of awareness and will. The word learning
does not. When we practice something, we are involved in the deliberate
repetition of a process with the intention of reaching a specific goal”.
“When
you focus on the process, the desired product takes care of itself with fluid
ease. When you focus on the product, you immediately begin to fight yourself
and experience boredom, restlessness, frustration, and impatience with the
process”.
“When
you focus your mind on the present moment, on the process of what you are doing
right now, you are always where you want to be and where you should be”.
“In
order to focus on the present, we must give up, at least temporarily, our
attachment to our desired goal”.
“When
you shift your goal from the product you are trying to achieve to the process
of achieving it, a wonderful phenomenon occurs: all pressure drops away”.
“We
waste so much of our energy by not being aware of how we are directing it”.
“Remember,
judgment redirects and wastes our energy”.
“In
summary, creating the practicing mind comes down to a few simple rules: Keep
yourself process-oriented. Stay in the present. Make the process the goal and
use the overall goal as a rudder to steer your efforts. Be deliberate, have an
intention about what you want to accomplish, and remain aware of that intention”.
“The
problem with patience and discipline is that developing each of them requires
both of them”.
“As
we attempt to understand ourselves and our struggles with life’s endeavors, we
may find peace in the observation of a flower. Ask yourself: At what point in a
flower’s life, from seed to full bloom, does it reach perfection?”
“Most
of the anxiety we experience in life comes from our feeling that there is an
end point of perfection in everything that we involve ourselves with”.
“Stop
yourself during the day as much as you can and ask yourself, ‘Am I practicing
flower-like qualities and staying in the present with my thoughts and
energies?’”
“It
is our ego that makes us create false ideas of what perfect is and whether we
have reached it”.
“Habits
are learned. Choose them wisely”.
“You
cannot change what you are unaware of”.
“What
is required is that you are aware of what you want to achieve, that you know
the motions you must intentionally repeat to accomplish the goal, and that you
execute your actions without emotions or judgments; just stay on course. You
should do this in the comfort of knowing that intentionally repeating something
over a short course of time will create a new habit or replace an old one”.
“All
the patience you will ever need is already within you”.
“Constantly
reviewing new ideas creates, in a sense, a new habit of perceiving and
processing our lives, a habit that brings us the sense of clarity we long for
every day”.
“There
are not that many ideas in this book; just a few, and they have always been
there for us to discover. But they slip away from us in our daily lives so
easily. They need to be studied over and over again from different angles so
that they become a natural part of us”.
“Experiencing
impatience is one of the first symptoms of not being in the present moment, not
doing what you are doing, and not staying process-oriented”.
“The
first step toward patience is to become aware of when your internal dialogue is
running wild and dragging you with it”.
“The
second step in creating patience is understanding and accepting that there is
no such thing as reaching a point of perfection in anything”.
“Progress
is a natural result of staying focused on the process of doing anything”.
“When
you stay on purpose, focused in the present moment, the goal comes toward you
with frictionless ease”.
“When
you constantly focus on the goal you are aiming for, you push it away instead
of pulling it toward you. In every moment that you look at the goal and compare
your position to it, you affirm to yourself that you haven’t reached it. In
reality, you need to acknowledge the goal to yourself only occasionally, using
it as a rudder to keep you moving in the right direction”.
“Cheating
discipline doesn’t work”.
“The
real thrill of acquiring anything, whether it is an object or a personal goal,
is your anticipation of the moment of receiving it. The real joy lies in
creating and sustaining the stamina and patience needed to work for something
over a period of time”.
“When
you let go of your attachment to the object you desire and make your desire the
experience of staying focused on working toward that object, you fulfill that
desire in every minute that you remain patient with your circumstances”.
“Simplicity
in effort will conquer the most complex of tasks”.
“The
four ‘S’ words are simplify, small, short, and slow”.
“Simplify.
When you work at a specific project or activity, simplify it by breaking it
down into its component sections”.
“Small.
Be aware of your overall goal, and remember to use it as a rudder or distant
beacon that keeps you on course”.
“Short.
Now you can also bring short into the equation: ‘I’m going to work at cleaning
the garage for forty-five minutes a day over the next few days until it is
completely clean’”.
“Slow.
Incorporating slowness into your process is a paradox. What I mean by slow is
that you work at a pace that allows you to pay attention to what you are
doing”.
“Nonjudgment
is the pathway to a quiet mind”.
“Equanimity
is defined as even-temperedness and calmness”.
“It
is because equanimity comes from the art of nonjudgment. Nonjudgment quiets the
internal dialogue of our mind”.
“Our
concepts of ideal and perfect are always changing”.
“What
we consider good or bad for ourselves doesn’t stay the same”.
“Wisdom
is not a by-product of age. Teach and learn from all those around you”.
“With
deliberate and repeated effort, progress is inevitable”.
The
art of making great and lasting change comes through small, steady steps.
Kaizen
circumvents the brain’s built-in resistance to new behaviors.
Small
rewards lead to big returns.
The
Five Big Ideas
Kaizen
is a process of improving a habit using very small steps.
Small
steps can lead to big changes.
Kaizen
disarms the brain’s fear response making change come more naturally.
By
asking small, gentle questions, we keep the fight-or-flight response in the
‘off’ position.
By
taking steps so tiny that they seem trivial or even laughable, you’ll sail
calmly past obstacles that have defeated you before.
One
Small Step Can Change Your Life Summary
Kaizen
has two definitions:
Using
very small steps to improve a habit
A
process, or product using very small moments to inspire new products and
inventions
Common
Beliefs About Change
Myth
#1: Change Is Hard
Myth
#2: The Size of the Step Determines the Size of the Result, So Take Big Steps
for Big Results
Myth
#3: Kaizen Is Slow; Innovation Is Quicker
“In
our “bigger is better” culture of IMAX movies, supersize meals, and extreme
makeovers, it’s hard to believe that small steps can lead to big changes. But
the wonderful reality is that they can.”
“There
are two elements of the spirit, or purpose, in which kaizen plays an essential
role: service and gratitude.”
“Low-key
change helps the human mind circumnavigate the fear that blocks success and
creativity.”
“All
changes, even positive ones, are scary. Attempts to reach goals through radical
or revolutionary means often fail because they heighten fear. But the small
steps of kaizen disarm the brain’s fear response, stimulating rational thought and
creative play.”
“When
you want to change but experience a block, you can often blame the midbrain for
gumming up the works.”
“Small,
easily achievable goals—such as picking up and storing just one paper clip on a
chronically messy desk—let you tiptoe right past the amygdala, keeping it
asleep and unable to set off alarm bells.”
“When
you are afraid, the brain is programmed either to run or attack—not always the
most practical options.”
Small
actions satisfy your brain’s need to do something and soothe its distress.
“Your
brain is programmed to resist change. But, by taking small steps, you
effectively rewire your nervous system so that it does the following:
‘unsticks’ you from a creative block bypasses the fight-or-flight response
creates new connections between neurons so that the brain enthusiastically
takes over the process of change and you progress rapidly toward your goal.”
“When
life gets scary and difficult, we tend to look for solutions in places where it
is easy or at least familiar to do so, and not in the dark, uncomfortable
places where real solutions might lie.”
“Use
times of difficulty to remember that fear is the body’s gift, alerting us to a
challenge.”
“Small
questions create a mental environment that welcomes unabashed creativity and playfulness.
When you ask small questions of others, you channel that creative force toward
team goals. By asking small questions of yourself, you lay the groundwork for a
personalized program for change.” (Sam: this is similar to Anthony Robbin’s
strategy of asking “quality questions” in Awaken the Giant Within.)
“The
hippocampus’s main criterion for storage is repetition, so asking that question
over and over gives the brain no choice but to pay attention and begin to
create answers.”
“Ask
yourself, ‘If health were my first priority, what would I be doing differently
today? What is one way I can remind myself to drink more water? How could I
incorporate a few more minutes of exercise into my daily routine?’”
“Your
brain loves questions and won’t reject them … unless the question is so big it
triggers fear.”
“By
asking small, gentle questions, we keep the fight-or-flight response in the
‘off’ position. Kaizen questions such as ‘What’s the smallest step I can take
to be more efficient?’ allow us to bypass our fears.”
“Make
your questions small, and you reduce the chances of waking the amygdala and
arousing debilitating fear. When fear is quiet, the brain can take in the
questions and then pop out answers on its own timetable.”
“If
you tend to berate yourself with negative questions (Why am I so fat?), try
asking: What is one thing I like about myself today? Ask this question daily,
writing your answer down in a journal or on a sheet of paper you keep in a
specially designated place.”
Quality
Questions
“If
you are unhappy but aren’t sure why, try asking yourself this: If I were
guaranteed not to fail, what would I be doing differently?”
“If
you are trying to reach a specific goal, ask yourself every day: What is one
small step I could take toward reaching my goal?”
“What
is one small step I could take to improve my health (or relationships, or
career, or any other area)?”
“Is
there a person at work or in my personal life whose voice and input I haven’t
heard in a long time? What small question could I ask this person?”
If
somebody’s annoying you, ask yourself, “What’s one good thing about this
person?”
“What
is one small thing that is special about me (or my spouse, or my
organization)?”
“The
easy technique of mind sculpture uses ‘small thoughts’ to help you develop new
social, mental, and even physical skills—just by imagining yourself performing
them!”
“Small
actions are at the heart of kaizen. By taking steps so tiny that they seem
trivial or even laughable, you’ll sail calmly past obstacles that have defeated
you before. Slowly—but painlessly!—you’ll cultivate an appetite for continued
success and lay down a permanent new route to change.” (Sam: the idea of
“taking steps so tiny that they seem trivial or even laughable” is similar to
Stephen Guise’s strategy of making new habits stupidly small in Mini Habits.)
“If
you ever feel yourself dreading the activity or making excuses for not
performing it, it’s time to cut back on the size of the step.”
“We
are so accustomed to living with minor annoyances that it’s not always easy to
identify them, let alone make corrections. But these annoyances have a way of
acquiring mass and eventually blocking your path to change. By training
yourself to spot and solve small problems, you can avoid undergoing much more
painful remedies later.”
“Whether
you wish to train yourself or others to instill better habits, small rewards
are the perfect encouragement. Not only are they inexpensive and convenient,
but they also stimulate the internal motivation required for lasting change.”
(Sam: the idea of rewarding yourself for doing a new behavior is a crucial part
of BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits program.)
“The
larger the external rewards, the greater the risk of inhibiting or stunting the
native drive for excellence.” (Sam: Dan Pink writes about this in Drive.)
“The
kaizen approach to life requires a slower pace and an appreciation of small
moments. This pleasant technique can lead to creative breakthroughs and
strengthened relationships, and give you a daily boost toward excellence.”
“As
you experience success in applying kaizen to clear goals like weight loss or
career advancement, remember to hold on to its essence: an optimistic belief in
our potential for continuous improvement.”
Recommended
Reading
If
you like One Small Step Can Change Your Life, you may also enjoy the following
books:
Better
Than Before: Mastering The Habits of Our Everyday Lives by Gretchen Rubin
Essential
Zen Habits: Mastering The Art of Change, Briefly by Leo Babauta
Mini
Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results by Stephen Guise
“The past doesn’t equal the future. It’s in the moment of decision that your destiny is shaped”.
“Whatever
you think about most you’ll experience”.
“The
fastest way to change how you feel about anything is to change what you’re
focusing on”.
The Five Big Ideas
“Almost all the changes we want to make fall into one of two categories: either we want to change the way we feel about things, or we want to change our actions”.
“You can change anything in your life today by changing your perceptions and changing your actions”.
“Your past does not equal the future”.
“The key to success is to decide what’s most important to you and then take massive action each day to make it better, even when it doesn’t look as if it’s working”.
“Ultimately, it’s our decisions, not the conditions of our lives that determine our destiny”.
Almost all the changes we want to make fall into one of two categories: either we want to change the way we feel about things, or we want to change our actions.
“The
only thing that’s necessary to make this work for your right now is to begin to
believe that it is possible to change. The past doesn’t matter. Whatever hasn’t
worked in the past has nothing to do with what you’ll do today. What you do
right now is what will shape your destiny”.
“You
can change anything in your life today by changing your perceptions and
changing your actions”.
“Often
the reason that people say they can’t do something is that they’ve tried things
in the past that haven’t worked”.
“Your
past does not equal the future”.
“What
matters is not yesterday but what you do right now”.
“The
key to success is to decide what’s most important to you and then take massive
action each day to make it better, even when it doesn’t look as if it’s
working”.
“Personal
power means being persistent in taking action: Every time you do something, you
learn from it, and you find a way to do it better next time”.
“No
problem is permanent. No problem affects my entire life. This too shall pass if
I continue to take massive, positive, constructive action”.
“Massive,
consistent action with pure persistence and a sense of flexibility in pursuing
your goals will ultimately give you what you want, but you must abandon any
sense that there is no solution”.
“God’s
delays are not God’s denials”.
“Success
is the result of good judgment. Good judgment is the result of experience.
Experience is often the result of bad judgment”.
“The
power of decision is the power of change”.
“Ultimately,
it’s our decisions, not the conditions of our lives that determine our
destiny”.
“The
only way to change your life is to make a real decision”.
“You
can choose what to believe about yourself, and these beliefs will determine the
actions you take”.
“The
fastest way to change how you feel about anything is to change what you’re
focusing on”.
“The
reality is whatever you focus on you move toward”.
“Whatever
you think about most you’ll experience”.
“We
all most realise that emotion is created by motion”.
“When
you choose a metaphor to describe your life or your situation, you choose the
beliefs it supports, too”.
“The
harder you prepare, the luckier you seem to get”.
“Before
something happens in the world, it must first happen in your mind”.
The
people who overcome the odds and turn their lives around make three powerful
kinds of decisions every day:
What
to focus on
What
things mean
What
to do
The
Problem-Solving Questions
What
is great about this problem?
What
is not perfect yet?
What
am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
What
am I willing to no longer do to make it the way I want it?
How
can I enjoy the process while I do what is necessary to make it the way I want
it?
Other
Books by Anthony Robbins
Awaken the Giant Within
Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement by Anthony Robbins
Recommended
Reading
If
you like Notes From a Friend, you may also enjoy the following books:
The
Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by
Ryan Holiday
Deep
Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World Book by Cal Newport
The
E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It
by Michael E. Gerber
Jim Rohn had influenced more than 5 million people in all corners of the world. He’s famous for mentoring countless motivational speakers including Tony Robbins,Les Brown, Harvey Mackay, Mark Victor Hansen and others. In My Philosophy for Successful Living by Jim Rohn, Rohn shares his best teaching son living a successful life.
My
Philosophy for Successful Living Summary
You
will be paid for what you bring to the marketplace and what you become.
Formal
education gets you a job, but self-education is what makes you rich.
The
answer to solving your problems isn’t to be found by listing out the obstacles
both real and perceived in the outside world, but instead by noticing the
obstacles in your own thinking and approach.
Your
personal income is determined primarily by your philosophy.
If
you work hard on your job, you make a living. If you work hard on yourself, you
can make a fortune.
Success
is not something you pursue. Success is something that you attract by becoming
an attractive person.
The
way that you become rich is not by wishing your life were easier, but instead
by focusing on making yourself better.
Achieving
wealth and greatness can be distilled down to helping others.
If
you search you can find good people, but you have to be committed to searching.
Rewarding
people for small steps of progress is a key part in your ultimate success.
Be
so busy giving others recognition that you don’t really need it for yourself.
Becoming
a skilled communicator is one of the single best investments you can make in yourself.
One
of the best ways of building a financial wall around your family is to have
more than one skill and more than one language.
Profits
are better than wages.
No
matter what you are doing in life, it’s important that you learn the
fundamentals or the foundation of a given job or task.
Taking
the time to sit down and write out your goals for the present, the near future
and the more remote future is a necessary part of transforming your life.
You
can have all you want out of life if you endeavor to help others.
Those
who do not contribute to society often find that they pay a price in the form
of solitude.
Recommended Reading
If
you like My Philosophy for Successful Living, you may also enjoy the following
books:
Awaken
the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins
How
to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
“Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect”.
“When
a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a
wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband”.
“Often,
we focus on our own needs and simply overlook the needs of the other person”.
The
Five Big Ideas
“No
husband feels affection toward a wife who appears to have contempt for who he
is as a human being. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband
toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect”.
“Craziness
happens when we keep doing the same things over and over with the same ill
effect”.
“The
way to fully love a husband is to respect him in ways that are meaningful to
him”.
“We
easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate”.
“Love
your wife. Always try to see what is in her deepest heart”.
Love
and Respect Summary
“Yes,
love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the
husband’s need for respect”.
“No
husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes
his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being”.
“Wives
are made to love, want to love, and expect love”.
“Husbands
are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect”.
“As
I wrestled with the problem, I finally saw a connection: without love from him,
she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love”.
“When
a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a
wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband”.
“When
a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that
feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him
precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural
tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the
command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)”
“No
husband feels affection toward a wife who appears to have contempt for who he
is as a human being. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband
toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect”.
“Craziness
happens when we keep doing the same things over and over with the same ill
effect”.
“What
I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at
all.
Often,
we focus on our own needs and simply overlook the needs of the other person”.
“Let
me emphasize to wives that when men hear negative criticism, it doesn’t take
them long to start interpreting that as contempt for who they are as men”.
“The
way to fully love a husband is to respect him in ways that are meaningful to
him”.
“When
he honors her as first in importance and she respects him as first among
equals, their marriage works”.
“The
typical wife also fails to realize that her self-image often rests on what she
believes her husband thinks of her”.
“While
many wives do not intend to be disrespectful, they appear that way to their
husbands, and their husbands take refuge in stonewalling them”.
“Right
or wrong, men interpret their world through the respect grid, and a wife’s
softened tone and facial expressions can do more for her marriage than she can
imagine”.
“Whether
it’s a husband or a wife who ‘doesn’t get it’, the answer is the same: we often
don’t see the obvious”.
“We
easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate”.
“Love
your wife. Always try to see what is in her deepest heart”.
“No
matter how desperate or hopeless a marriage may seem, if husband and wife both
have basic goodwill in their hearts, they can stop the Crazy Cycle”.
“Forgiving
is the direct opposite of judging. Nothing is easier than judging, nothing is
harder than forgiving, and nothing can reap more blessings”.
“Women
confront to connect. The typical response from a man, however, is that he
thinks his wife is confronting to control”.
“The
truth is, it is easier for many a man to die for honor than to move toward a
contemptuous wife in a loving way, saying, ‘I believe I was wrong. Can we talk
about this?’ To turn to your wife in the middle of a conflict and say, ‘I am
sorry. Will you forgive me?’ takes guts”.
“A
great marriage happens when the tension is dealt with creatively—or when
tension is avoided completely by doing a few positive, loving things”.
“Remember:
be affectionate and attentive every day, not just on days you want sex.
Affection should be an end, not a means”.
“Every
husband must make a decision about his wife’s sensitivity and needs. He can
close himself off and refuse to be open, or he can move toward her and connect
with her at new levels of openness”.
“As
a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s
problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and
understanding”.
“Don’t
refuse to make peace by running from conflict with your spouse”.
“When
she asks, ‘Do you love me?’ she’s not asking for information; she’s asking for
reassurance”.
“A
wife must have reassurance”.
“Do
everything you can to let your wife know you are committed to her for as long
as you both shall live”.
“The
male feels a deep need to be involved in adventure and conquest. This is not an
option for him; it is a deep-seated trait”.
Principle3: Arouse in the other person an eager want
Part
2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
Principle 2: Smile
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Principle 4: Be a good listener
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely
Part
3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Principle2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Principle3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Principle4: Begin in a friendly way
Principle5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately
Principle6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Principle7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Principle8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Principle9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Principle10: Appeal to the nobler motives
Principle11: Dramatize your ideas
Principle12: Throw down a challenge
Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment
Principle1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Principle2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Principle3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Principle4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Principle5: Let the other person save face
Principle6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty inyour approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Principle7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Principle8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Principle9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary
Ninety-nine
times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no
matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism
is futile because it puts us on the defensive and usually makes us strive to
justify ourselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds our pride, hurts
our sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Don’t
criticize others; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.
“Don’t
complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is
unclean.”—Confucius
We’re
not logical; we’re emotional, motivated by pride and vanity.
“I
will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.”—Benjamin
Franklin
Rather
than condemn others, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what
they do.
We
all want to be appreciated.
“I
consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people. The greatest asset I
possess and t way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation
and encouragement.”—Charles Schwab
Before
trying to persuade someone to do something, ask yourself, “How can I make this
person want to do it?”
“If
there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other
person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from
your own.”—Henry Ford
“You
can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than
you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
“It
is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest
difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from
among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
Encourage
others to talk about themselves.
Always
make the others feel important.
Most
people you meet will feel superior to you in some way. A sure way to their
hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their
importance, and recognize it sincerely.
“Talk
to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”—Disraeli
“If
you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but
it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good
will.”
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Welcome the disagreement
Distrust your first instinctive impression
Control your temper
Listen first
Look for areas of agreement
Be honest
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
“There’s
magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong. I frequently am.
Let’s examine the facts.’”
“Don’t
argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they
are wrong. Don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.”
“If
we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the
other person to it and do it ourselves?”
“Say
about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking
or wants to say or intends to say—and say them before that person has a chance
to say them.”
When
you’re right, try to win people gently and tactfully to your way of thinking.
When you’re wrong, admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
“In
talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ.
Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.
Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and
that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person
saying, ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying
‘No.’”
“Remember
that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn
them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional
people even try to do that”
“If,
as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing—an increased tendency
to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things
from that person’s angle as well as your own—if you get only that one thing
from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping—stones of your
career.”
How
to stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other
person listen attentively: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do.
If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
“Three-fourths
of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give
it to them, and they will love you.”
It’s
always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of
our good points.
“Calling
attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who
may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”
“It
isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person
criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”
“Admitting
one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince
somebody to change his behavior.”
“People
are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that
caused the order to be issued.”
“Everybody
likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as
sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel
good.”
“If
you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular
trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”
“Tell
your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a
certain thing, has no gift for it and is doing it all wrong, and you have
destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite
technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do,
let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he
has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in
the window in order to excel.”
“Always
make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”
The
effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is
necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Do
not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to
yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
Know
exactly what it is you want the other person to do
Ask
yourself what is it the other person really wants
Consider
the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
Match
those benefits to the other person’s wants
When
you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the
idea that he personally will benefit
Recommended Reading
If
you like How to Win Friends and Influence People, you may also enjoy the
following books:
The
7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by
Stephen R. Covey
Start
with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action by Simon Sinek
To
Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Persuading, Convincing, and
Influencing Others by Daniel H Pink
When
you’re depressed, your thoughts are dominated by a pervasive negativity.
The
negative thoughts which cause your depression nearly always contain gross,
cognitive distortions.
TheFive Big Ideas
“Everybad feeling you have is the result of your distorted negative thinking.”
“Yourthoughts create your emotions; therefore, your emotions cannot prove that yourthoughts are accurate.”
“Everybad feeling you have is the result of your distorted negative thinking.”
“Yourfeelings result from the meaning you give to the event, not from the eventitself.”
“YouAre Wrong in Your Belief That Suicide Is the Only Solution or the Best Solutionto Your Problem.”
Feeling Good Summary
“The
first principle of cognitive therapy is that all your moods are created by your
‘cognitions’, or thoughts.”
“The
second principle is that when you are feeling depressed, your thoughts are
dominated by a pervasive negativity.”
“The
third principle is of substantial philosophical and therapeutic importance. Our
research has documented that the negative thoughts which cause your emotional
turmoil nearly always contain gross distortions.”
“Every
bad feeling you have is the result of your distorted negative thinking.”
“Every
time you feel depressed about something, try to identify a corresponding
negative thought you had just prior to and during the depression. Because these
thoughts have actually created your bad mood, by learning to restructure them,
you can change your mood.”
Cognitive
Distortions: A Complete List
(Note
from Sam: To learn more about cognitive distortions and how to overcome them,
read this article.)
All-or-Nothing
Thinking. “This refers to your tendency to evaluate your personal qualities in
extreme, black-or-white categories. All-or-nothing thinking forms the basis for
perfectionism. It causes you to fear any mistake or imperfection because you
will then see yourself as a complete loser, and you will feel inadequate and
worthless. The technical name for this type of perceptual error is ‘dichotomous
thinking.’”
Overgeneralization.
“You arbitrarily conclude that one thing that happened to you once will occur
over and over again, will multiply like the Jack of Spades. The pain of
rejection is generated almost entirely from overgeneralization.”
Mental
Filter. “You pick out a negative detail in any situation and dwell on it
exclusively, thus perceiving that the whole situation is negative. The
technical name for this process is ‘selective abstraction.’”
Disqualifying
the Positive. “An even more spectacular mental illusion is the persistent
tendency of some depressed individuals to transform neutral or even positive
experiences into negative ones. Disqualifying the positive is one of the most
destructive forms of cognitive distortion.”
Jumping
to Conclusions. “You arbitrarily jump to a negative conclusion that is not
justified by the facts of the situation.”
Two
examples of jumping to conclusions are “mind reading” and “the fortune teller
error.”
Mind
Reading. “You make the assumption that other people are looking down on you,
and you’re so convinced about this that you don’t even bother to check it out.”
Fortune
Telling. “You imagine that something bad is about to happen, and you take this
prediction as a fact even though it is unrealistic.”
Magnification.
“Magnification commonly occurs when you look at your own errors, fears, or
imperfections and exaggerate their importance: ‘My God—I made a mistake. How
terrible! How awful! The word will spread like wildfire! My reputation is
ruined!’ This has also been called ‘catastrophizing’ because you turn
commonplace negative events into nightmarish monsters.”
Minimization.
“You inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable
qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the
‘binocular trick.’”
Emotional
Reasoning. “You take your emotions as evidence for the truth. Your logic: ‘I
feel like a dud, therefore I am a dud’. This kind of reasoning is misleading
because your feelings reflect your thoughts and beliefs.”
Should
Statements. “You try to motivate yourself by saying, “I should do this” or “I
must do that.’”
Labeling
and Mislabeling. “Personal labeling means creating a completely negative
self-image based on your errors. Mislabeling involves describing an event with
words that are inaccurate and emotionally heavily loaded.”
Personalization.
“This distortion is the mother of guilt! You assume responsibility for a
negative event when there is no basis for doing so.”
“Your
thoughts create your emotions; therefore, your emotions cannot prove that your
thoughts are accurate.”
Dr.
Aaron Beck said a depressed self-image can be characterized by the four D’s:
You feel Defeated, Defective, Deserted, and Deprived.
“At
the bottom line, only your own sense of self-worth determines how you feel.”
Specific
Methods for Boosting Self-Esteem
Talk
Back to That Internal Critic!
Train
yourself to recognize and write down the self-critical thoughts as they go
through your mind.
Learn
why these thoughts are distorted
Practice
talking back to them so as to develop a more realistic self-evaluation system.
The
Triple-Column Technique
The
Triple Column Technique
Ask
yourself, “What thoughts are going through my mind right now? What am I saying
to myself? Why is this upsetting me?”
“When
you are down on yourself, you might find it helpful to ask what you actually
mean when you try to define your true identity with a negative label such as ‘a
fool’, ‘a sham’, ‘a stupid dope’, etc. Once you begin to pick these destructive
labels apart, you will find they are arbitrary and meaningless. They actually
cloud the issue, creating confusion and despair. Once rid of them, you can
define and cope with any real problems that exist.”
Three
Crucial Steps When You Are Upset
Zero
in on those automatic negative thoughts and write them down.
Read
over the list of ten cognitive distortions. Learn precisely how you are
twisting things and blowing them out of proportion.
Substitute
a more objective thought that puts the lie to the one which made you look down
on yourself.
“Whether
your critic is right or wrong, initially find some way to agree with him or
her.”
“Your
feelings result from the meaning you give to the event, not from the event
itself.”
“Irrational
should statements rest on your assumption that you are entitled to instant
gratification at all times.”
The
following two guidelines will help you to determine when your anger is
productive and when it is not.
Is
my anger directed toward someone who has knowingly, intentionally, and
unnecessarily acted in a hurtful manner?
Is
my anger useful? Does it help me achieve the desired goal or does it simply
defeat me?
“If
you have a ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ rule that has been causing you
disappointment and frustration, rewrite it in more realistic terms.”
“You
will notice that the substitution of one word—‘it would be nice if’ in place of
‘should’—can be a useful first step.”
“The
rationale for eliminating your ‘should’ statement is simple: It’s not true that
you are entitled to get what you want just because you want it.”
“Remorse
or regret are aimed at behavior, whereas guilt is targeted toward the ‘self.’”
“Sadness
is a normal emotion created by realistic perceptions that describe a negative
event involving loss or disappointment in an undistorted way. Depression is an
illness that always results from thoughts that are distorted in some way.”
“When
a genuinely negative event occurs, your emotions will be created exclusively by
your thoughts and perceptions. Your feelings will result from the meaning you
attach to what happens. A substantial portion of your suffering will be due to
the distortions in your thoughts. When you eliminate these distortions, you
will find that coping with the ‘real problem’ will become less painful.”
“Although
your distorted negative thoughts will be substantially reduced or entirely
eliminated after you have recovered from a bout of depression, there are
certain “silent assumptions” that probably still lurk in your mind. These
silent assumptions explain in large part why you became depressed in the first
place and can help you predict when you might again be vulnerable.”
“A
silent assumption is an equation with which you define your personal worth. It
represents your value system, your personal philosophy, the stuff on which you
base your self-esteem.”
“Choose
any activity, and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 80 percent, 60
percent, or 40 percent. Then see how much you enjoy the activity and how
productive you become.”
“You
Are Wrong in Your Belief That Suicide Is the Only Solution or the Best Solution
to Your Problem.”
“When
you think that you are trapped and hopeless, your thinking is illogical,
distorted, and skewed.”
“Nihilism
is the belief that there is no truth or meaning to anything, and that all of
life involves suffering and agony.”
“Nearly
all suicidal patients have in common an illogical sense of hopelessness and the
conviction they are facing an insoluble dilemma. Once you expose the
distortions in your thinking, you will experience considerable emotional
relief.”
“Your
feelings of hopelessness and total despair are just symptoms of depressive
illness, not facts.”
“I
let the following rule of thumb guide me: Patients who feel hopeless never
actually are hopeless.”
RecommendedReading
If
you like Feeling Good, you may also enjoy the following books:
Awaken
The Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional,
Physical and Financial Destiny by Anthony Robbins
The
Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel
Success and Performance at Work by Shawn Achor
We
struggle with habit change because we have unrealistic expectations of how
things will turn out, how others should be, and how we should be.
When
our expectations aren’t met, we feel disappointed, frustrated and sad.
When
we turn from our Mind Movie and embrace reality, we overcome our inner
resistance to habit change.
The
Five Big Ideas
“There’s
a projector in our minds, and it’s constantly playing a movie about how we’d like
things to be, our ideals about the world, our expectations of how things will
turn out, how others should be, [and] how we should be”.
The
Mind Movie is what stands in our way of making habit changes. It tells us that
changing a habit should be easy and fun, but the reality is that we must wander
outside our comfort zone.
The
Childish Mind is the part of our mind that complains about how things are, that
fears discomfort, that just wants pleasure and comfort, that doesn’t want
things to be difficult.
“Gratitude
is a great antidote to resistance that we can practice each day, including when
our Childish Mind eventually starts to rebel against doing the habit”.
“Take
mistakes in stride, and take the long view that what really matters is not
whether you mess up for a day or two, but what you do over weeks and months and
years”.
Essential
Zen Habits Summary
“There’s
a projector in our minds, and it’s constantly playing a movie about how we’d
like things to be, our ideals about the world, our expectations of how things
will turn out, how others should be, [and] how we should be”.
The
Mind Movie is what stands in our way of making habit changes. It tells us that
changing a habit should be easy and fun, but the reality is that we must wander
outside our comfort zone.
The
Childish Mind is the part of our mind that complains about how things are, that
fears discomfort, that just wants pleasure and comfort, that doesn’t want
things to be difficult.
“Gratitude
is a great antidote to resistance that we can practice each day, including when
our Childish Mind eventually starts to rebel against doing the habit”.
Consider
writing a short journal entry about your reflections, to solidify your
learning.
“Treat
habit formation as a learning process, as a way to learn about yourself, your
mind, mindfulness, resistance and more”.
“Gradually
[a]
habit becomes your new normal and you can expand a bit more, pushing your
comfort zone a little at a time”.
Question:
“What does the resistance feel like? Is there a way to accept the thing you’re
resisting, accept the discomfort, relax into it, and find gratitude for it?
What is good about the discomfort?”
“When
you miss a day or two, you can either feel bad about it and possibly get
derailed completely, or you can flow around it and not make it a big deal”.
“A
key habit skill is learning to flow around the disruptions and just keep
going”.
“Notice
feelings of discomfort and uncertainty, and stay with them. Get to know them.
Get intimate with these feelings”.
“When
we experience groundlessness — a feeling of not being anchored, not certain,
things not going our way, a feeling of loss — our minds don’t normally like
it”.
“One
of the most difficult tasks we can give to our Childish Mind is letting go of
what it really wants, and accepting life as it is, seeing that it’s already
enough”.
“It
can be disappointing to let go of a habit you had such high hopes for and
worked so long for, but we have to remember that we do these habit changes to
learn about ourselves”.
“If
making a commitment to yourself isn’t working, you can increase the commitment
by telling others that you’re going to create this new habit”.
“When
you miss one day, do everything you can to figure out why you missed, and solve
it so you don’t keep missing”.
“When
you make a change, others in your life might unconsciously see this change as
threatening”.
“I’ve
found the best method of persuasion is being a good model for change”.
“If
others won’t get on board with your changes, ask just that they give you the
space to make the change on your own, without their help”.
“A
good practice is to not attach to the outcome. Have a good intention for the
habit, but don’t worry too much about how it will turn out because you can’t
control that”.
“Tell
yourself that when you slip and fall, it’s just another lesson that will teach
you to be better at change”.
“Mistakes
means you’re pushing into new ground and exploring something interesting — if
you weren’t, you wouldn’t make mistakes”.
“See
every mistake as an opportunity to learn, a thing that you can get better at,
the feedback that’s so crucial for improvement”.
“Most
people make the mistake of trying to tackle a quit too early when they still
haven’t gotten good at forming habits”.
“I
recommend forming new, positive habits at least three times before taking on a
quit”.
“The
first thing you need to do before you attempt to quit a habit is track it for
three days and try to write down every trigger for the habit”.
“Each
bad habit meets some kind of need, or you wouldn’t be doing the habit”.
“For
each trigger and need, write down a positive replacement habit that will meet
the same need”.
“When
you’re feeling stress, anxiety, boredom, loneliness, etc. … just pause and turn
your attention to this feeling. Be curious and really see how it feels, where
it is in your body, what the quality of the feeling is. Become intimate with
it, without trying to avoid it”.
“Watch
[an urge]
gently, without judgment or wishing the feeling weren’t there. Treat
it like a friend, kindly. And see that this feeling is impermanent, just arises
but will pass, like a cloud. This is the whole meditation: just watch with
curiosity and kindness, not attaching to the feeling or needing to act on it”.
When
quitting a bad habit, change one trigger at a time.
“Tell
yourself you can do this, you’re strong, you got this. And be realistic in that
things won’t go as planned, but those are learning opportunities. In the long
run, you’re going to make it, because you’re worth it”.
“The
real question isn’t whether you’ll mess up, but what you’ll do if you do mess
up”.
“Take
mistakes in stride, and take the long view that what really matters is not
whether you mess up for a day or two, but what you do over weeks and months and
years”.
How
to Create a New Habit
Pick
one new, easy habit you can do once a day
Don’t
start right away
Create
a vow
Create
a space
Set
a trigger & a reminder
Start
with a Minimum Viable Habit
Focus
on enjoying the habit
Practice
mindfulness
Watch
your Mind Movie
Reflect
and journal
A
daily practice
Increase
gradually
How
to Quit a Bad Habit
Don’t
attempt a quit until several successful new habit changes
Track
your habit
List
your triggers
List
your needs
Come
up with replacement habits
Use
techniques you’ve learned
Gradual
change vs. cold turkey
Learn
to recognize urges as they arise
Form
the right mindset
When
you fail, get back on track and don’t let it derail you
Recommended
Reading
If
you like Essential Zen Habits, you may also like the following books:
Better
Than Before: Mastering The Habits of Our Everyday Lives by Gretchen Rubin
Mini
Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results by Stephen Guise
One
Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer
We
have no clue why you act the way we do, choose the things we choose or think
the thoughts we think
Our
errors in thinking are caused by cognitive biases, heuristics, and logical
fallacies
We
can better deal with these biases once we understand them
The
Five Big Ideas
We think we know how the world works, but we really don’t
We narratives to explain why we do what we do
Cognitive biases are predictable patterns of thought and behavior that lead us to draw incorrect conclusions
Heuristics are mental shortcuts we use to solve common problems
Logical fallacies are like maths problems involving language, in which you skip a stepor get turned around without realizing it
“There
is a growing body of work coming out of psychology and cognitive science that
says you have no clue why you act the way you do, choose the things you choose
or think the thoughts you think.”
“From
the greatest scientist to the most humble artisan, every brain within every
body is infested with preconceived notions and patterns of thought that lead it
astray without the brain knowing it.”
“You
are naturally hindered into thinking in certain ways and not others, and the
world around you is the product of dealing with these biases, not overcoming
them.”
“Cognitive
biases are predictable patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to draw
incorrect conclusions.”
“Heuristics
are mental shortcuts you use to solve common problems. They speed up processing
in the brain, but sometimes make you think so fast you miss what is important.”
“Logical
fallacies are like maths problems involving language, in which you skip a step
or get turned around without realizing it … They are arguments in your mind
where you reach a conclusion without all the facts because you don’t care to
hear them or have no idea how limited your information is.”
“Logical
fallacies can also be the result of wishful thinking.”
1.
Priming
Priming
is when a stimulus in the past affects the way you behave and think or the way
you perceive another stimulus later on. (Sam: Dan Ariely discusses priming at
length in his book, Predictably Irrational.)
“Priming
works best when you are on autopilot when you aren’t trying to consciously
introspect before choosing how to behave.”
“You
can’t self-prime, not directly. Priming has to be unconscious; more
specifically, it has to happen within what psychologists refer to as the
adaptive unconscious—a place largely inaccessible.”
Often,
we are unaware of how unaware we are.
“Priming
works only if you aren’t aware of it, and those who depend on priming to put
food on the table work very hard to keep their influence hidden.”
“You
are most open to suggestion when your mental cruise control is on or when you
find yourself in unfamiliar circumstances.”
2.
Confabulation
Confabulation
describes our tendency to ignore our motivations and create fictional
narratives to explain our decisions, emotions, and history without realizing
it.
3.
Confirmation Bias
“When
the frequency illusion goes from a passive phenomenon to an active pursuit,
that’s when you start to experience confirmation bias.”
Confirmation
bias occurs when you perceive the world through a filter, thinking selectively.
Put
simply, you want to be right about how you see the world, so you seek out
information that confirms your beliefs and avoid contradictory evidence and
opinions.
“People
like to be told what they already know.”
4.
Hindsight Bias
We
often look back on the things we’ve just learned and assume we knew them or
believed them all along. This is known as hindsight bias.
“You
are always looking back at the person you used to be, always reconstructing the
story of your life to better match the person you are today.”
“Hindsight
bias is a close relative of the availability heuristic.”
“The
availability heuristic shows you make decisions and think thoughts based on the
information you have at hand while ignoring all the other information that
might be out there.”
“You
do the same thing with Hindsight Bias, by thinking thoughts and making
decisions based on what you know now, not what you used to know.”
5.
The Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy
“Picking
out clusters of coincidence is a predictable malfunction of normal human
logic.”
“If
hindsight bias and confirmation bias had a baby, it would be the Texas
sharpshooter fallacy.”
“Anywhere
people are searching for meaning, you will see the Texas sharpshooter fallacy.”
“You
commit the Texas sharpshooter fallacy when you need a pattern to provide
meaning, to console you, to lay blame.”
6.
Procrastination
“Procrastination
is all about choosing want over should because you don’t have a plan for those
times when you can expect to be tempted.”
“Faced
with two possible rewards, you are more likely to take the one that you can
enjoy now over one you will enjoy later—even if the later reward is far
greater.”
“One
of the best ways to see how bad you are at coping with procrastination is to
notice how you deal with deadlines.”
“If
you fail to believe you will procrastinate or become idealistic about how
awesome you are at working hard and managing your time, you never develop a
strategy for outmaneuvering your own weakness.”
“You
must be adept at thinking about thinking to defeat yourself at
procrastination.”
The
trick to overcoming procrastination is to accept that the now-you will not be
the person facing those choices, it will be the future-you—a person who can’t
be trusted. Future-you will give in, and then you’ll go back to being now-you
and feel weak and ashamed. Now-you must trick future-you into doing what is
right for both parties.
7.
Normalcy Bias
“No
matter what you encounter in life, your first analysis of any situation is to
see it in the context of what is normal for you and then compare and contrast
the new information against what you know usually happens … Because of this,
you have a tendency to interpret strange and alarming situations as if they
were just part of business as usual.”
“In
any perilous event, like a sinking ship or a towering inferno, a shooting
rampage or a tornado, there is a chance you will become so overwhelmed by the
perilous overflow of ambiguous information that you will do nothing at all.”
“Normalcy
bias is stalling during a crisis and pretending everything will continue to be
as fine and predictable as it was before.”
8.
Introspection
The
origin of certain emotional states is unavailable to you, and when pressed to
explain them, you will just make something up. This is called the introspection
illusion.
9.
The Availability Heuristic
The
availability heuristic describes our tendency to react more rapidly and to a
greater degree when considering information you are familiar with.
“The
old adage ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ is the availability heuristic at
work.”’
“It’s
simply easier to believe something if you are presented with examples than it
is to accept something presented in numbers or abstract facts.”
10.
The Bystander Effect
The
more people who witness a person in distress, the less likely it is that any
one person will help. This is known as the bystander effect.
“Whether
it is to donate blood, assist someone in changing a tire, drop money into a
performer’s coffers, or stop a fight—people rush to help once they see another
person leading by example.”
11.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect
Here’s
how McRaney describes the Dunning-Kruger Effect
The
more skilled you are, the more practice you’ve put in, the more experience you
have, the better you can compare yourself to others. As you strive to improve,
you begin to better understand where you need work. You start to see the
complexity and nuance; you discover masters of your craft and compare yourself
to them and see where you are lacking. On the other hand, the less skilled you
are, the less practice you’ve put in, and the fewer experiences you have, the
worse you are at comparing yourself to others on certain tasks. Your peers
don’t call you out because they know as little as you do, or they don’t want to
hurt your feelings.
“If
you want to be great at something, you have to practice, and then you have to
sample the work of people who have been doing it for their whole lives.”
12.
Apophenia
“Coincidences
are a routine part of life, even the seemingly miraculous ones. Any meaning
applied to them comes from your mind. This is known a apophenia.”
13.
Brand Loyalty
“You
prefer the things you own because you rationalize your past choices to protect
your sense of self. This is called brand loyalty.”
14.
The Argument from Authority
“When
you see the opinions of some people as better than others on the merit of their
status or training alone, you are arguing from authority.”
15.
The Argument from Ignorance
The
argument from ignorance is when you decide something is true or false because
you can’t find evidence to the contrary.
“You
don’t know what the truth is, so you assume any explanation is as good as
another.”
16.
The Straw Man Fallacy
“When
you get into an argument about either something personal or something more
public and abstract, you sometimes resort to constructing a character who you
find easier to refute, argue, and disagree with, or you create a position the
other person isn’t even suggesting or defending.”
“Any
time someone begins an attack with ‘So you’re saying we should all just . . .’
or ‘Everyone knows . . . ,’ you can bet a straw man is coming.”
17.
The Ad Hominem Fallacy
“When
you assume someone is incorrect based on who that person is or what group he or
she belongs to, you have committed the ad hominem fallacy.”
18.
The Just-World Fallacy
“When
you hear about a situation you hope never happens to you, you tend to blame the
victim, not because you are a terrible person but because you want to believe
you are smart enough to avoid the same fate.”
“It
is common in fiction for the bad guys to lose and the good guys to win. This is
how you would like to see the world—just and fair. In psychology, the tendency
to believe that this is how the real world works is called the just-world
fallacy.”
“You
want the world to be fair, so you pretend it is.”
19.
The Public Goods Game
“The
public goods game suggests regulation through punishment discourages slackers.”
20.
The Ultimatum Game
“When
it comes to making a deal, you base your decision on your status.”
21.
Subjective Validation
“You
are prone to believing vague statements and predications are true, especially
if they are positive and address you personally.”
“The
tendency to believe vague statements designed to appeal to just about anyone is
called the Forer effect, and psychologists point to this phenomenon to explain
why people fall for pseudoscience like biorhythms, iridology, and phrenology,
or mysticism like astrology, numerology, and tarot cards.”
The
Forer effect is part of a larger phenomenon psychologists refer to as
subjective validation, which is a fancy way of saying you are far more
vulnerable to suggestion when the subject of the conversation is you.
22. Cult
Indoctrination
“Cults
are populated by people just like you.”
“The
research on cults suggests you don’t usually join for any particular reason;
you just sort of fall into them the way you fall into any social group.”
23.
Groupthink
“The
desire to reach consensus and avoid confrontation hinders progress.”
“For
a group to make good decisions, they must allow dissent and convince everyone
they are free to speak their mind without risk of punishment.”
“True
groupthink depends on three conditions—a group of people who like one another,
isolation, and a deadline for a crucial decision.”
“When
groups get together to make a decision, an illusion of invulnerability can
emerge in which everyone feels secure in the cohesion. You begin to rationalize
other people’s ideas and don’t reconsider your own. You want to defend the
group’s cohesion from all harm, so you suppress doubts, you don’t argue, you
don’t offer alternatives—and since everyone is doing this, the leader of the
group falsely assumes everyone is in agreement.”
24.
Supernormal Releasers
A
supernormal releaser is an exaggerated version of a stimulus to which there is
an existing response tendency, or any stimulus that elicits a response more
strongly than the stimulus for which it evolved.
25.
The Affect Heuristic
“The
tendency to make poor decisions and ignore odds in favor of your gut feelings
is called the affect heuristic.”
“The
affect heuristic is one way you rapidly come to a conclusion about new
information.”
“When
first impressions linger and influence how you feel about second, third, and
fourth impressions, you are being befuddled by the affect heuristic.”
26.
Dunbar’s Number
“You
can maintain relationships and keep up with only around 150 people at once.”
27.
Selling Out
“Both
consumerism and capitalism are driven by competition among consumers for
status.”
“Poor
people compete with resources. The middle class competes with selection. The
wealthy compete with possessions.”
28.
Self-Serving Bias
“You
excuse your failures and see yourself as more successful, more intelligent and
more skilled than you are.”
“When
things are going your way, you attribute everything to your amazing skills, but
once the tide turns, you look for external factors that prevented your genius
from shining through.”
“You
don’t believe you are an average person, but you do believe everyone else is.
This tendency, which springs from self-serving bias, is called the illusory
superiority effect.”
29.
The Spotlight Effect
“People
devote little attention to you unless prompted to.”
30.
The Third Person
“For
every outlet of information, there are some who see it as dangerous not because
it affects them, but because it might affect the thoughts and opinions of an
imaginary third party. This sense of alarm about the impact of speech not on
yourself but on others is called the third person effect.”
“The
third person effect is a version of the self-serving bias. You excuse your
failures and see yourself as more successful, more intelligent, and more
skilled than you are.”
31.
Catharsis
“Venting
increases aggressive behavior over time”
“If
you think catharsis is good, you are more likely to seek it out when you get
pissed. When you vent, you stay angry and are more likely to keep doing
aggressive things so you can keep venting.”
32. The
Misinformation Effect
“Memories
are constructed anew each time from whatever information is currently
available, which makes them highly permeable to influencers from the present.”
33.
Conformity
“It
takes little more than an authority figure or social pressure to get you to
obey, because conformity is a survival instinct.”
34.
Extinction Burst
“Anytime
you quit something cold turkey, your brain will make a last-ditch effort to
return you to your habit.”
“Your
brain didn’t evolve in an environment where there was an abundance of food, so
whenever you find a high-calorie, high-fat, high-sodium source, your natural
inclination is to eat a lot of it and then go back to it over and over again.
If you take away a reward like that, your brain throws a tantrum.”
“There
are two kinds of conditioning—classical and operant. In classical conditioning,
something that normally doesn’t have any influence becomes a trigger for a
response. Operant conditioning changes your desires. Your inclinations become
greater through reinforcement, or diminish through punishment.”
“When
you expect a reward or a punishment and nothing happens, your conditioned
response starts to fade away.”
35.
Social Loafing
“Once
part of a group, you tend to put in less effort because you know your work will
be pulled together with others’.”
36.
The Illusion of Transparency
“You
know what you are feeling and thinking, and you tend to believe those thoughts
and emotions are leaking out of your pores, visible to the world, perceivable
to the outside.”
“When
your emotions take over, when your own mental state becomes the focus of your
attention, your ability to gauge what other people are experiencing gets
muted.”
37.
Learned Helplessness
“If
you feel like you aren’t in control of your destiny, you will give up and
accept whatever situation you are in.”
“If,
over the course of your life, you have experienced crushing defeat or pummeling
abuse or loss of control, you convince yourself over time that there is no
escape, and if escape is offered, you will not act—you become a nihilist who
trusts futility above optimism.”
38.
Embodied Cognition
“You
translate your physical world into words, and then believe those words.”
39.
The Anchoring Effect
“Your
first perception lingers in your mind, affecting later perceptions and
decisions.”
“You
depend on anchoring every day to predict the outcome of events, to estimate how
much time something will take or how much money something will cost. When you
need to choose between options, or estimate a value, you need footing to stand
on.”
40.
Attention
“Psychologists
call missing information in plain sight inattentional blindness.”
“Your
attention is like a spotlight, and only the illuminated portions of the world
appear in your perception.”
“Your
perception is built out of what you attend to.”
“The
problem with inattentional blindness is not that it happens so often, it’s that
you don’t believe it happens.”
“The
fraternal twin of inattentional blindness is change blindness. The brain can’t
keep up with the total amount of information coming in from your eyes, and so
your experience from moment to moment is edited for simplicity.”
“The
more your attention is engaged, the less you expect something out of the
ordinary and the less prone you are to see it even when lives could be at
stake.”
41.
Self-Handicapping
“You
often creation conditions for failure ahead of time to protect your ego.”
“Self-handicapping
is a reality negotiation, an unconscious manipulation, of both your perceptions
and those of others, that you use to protect your ego.”
“Self-handicapping
behaviors are investments in a future reality in which you can blame your
failure on something other than your ability.”
“Men
use self-handicapping more than women to assuage their fears of failure.”
“Whenever
you venture into uncharted waters with failure as a distinct possibility, your
anxiety will be lowered every time you see a new way to blame possible failure
on forces beyond your control.”
42.
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
“Just
believing a future event will happen can cause it to happen if the event
depends on human behavior.”
“The
future is the result of actions, and actions are the result of behavior, and
behavior is the result of prediction. This is called the Thomas Theorem.”
“What
was once false becomes true, and in hindsight it seems as if it always was.”
“When
you fear you will confirm a negative stereotype, it can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy not because the stereotype is true, but because you
can’t stop worrying that you could become an example proving it.”
“If
you want a better job, a better marriage, a better teacher, a better friend—you
have to act as if the thing you want out of the other person is already headed
your way.”
“A
negative outlook will lead to negative predictions, and you will start to
unconsciously manipulate your environment to deliver those predictions.”
43.
The Moment
“You
are multiple selves, and happiness depends on satisfying all of them”
44.
Consistency Bias
“Unless
you consciously keep tabs on your progress, you assume the way you feel now is
the way you have always felt.”
“One
of the stranger facets of consistency bias is how it can be evoked on the
spot.”
“Consistency
bias is part of your overall desire to reduce the discomfort of cognitive
dissonance, the emotions you feel when noticing that you are of two minds on
one issue.”
45.
The Representativeness Heuristic
“You
jump to conclusions based on how representative a person seems to be of a
preconceived character type.”
“When
it comes to strangers, your first instinct is to fit them into archetypes to
quickly determine their value or threat.”
“The
representativeness heuristic helps fuel several other cognitive missteps, like
the conjunction fallacy.”
“The
conjunction fallacy builds on your representativeness heuristic. The more
things you hear about which match your mental models, the more likely they
seem.”
“Representativeness
heuristics are useful, but also dangerous. They can help you avoid danger and
seek help, but they can also lead to generalizations and prejudices.”
46.
Expectation
“Wine
experts and consumers can be fooled by altering their expectations.”
47.
The Illusion of Control
“You
often believe you have control over outcomes that are either random or too
complex to predict.”
48.
The Fundamental Attribution Error
“Other
people’s behavior is more the result of the situation than their disposition.”
“When
you are at a restaurant, you have a hard time seeing through to the personality
of the server. You place blame and assume you are dealing with a slacker. Sometimes
you are right, but often you are committing the fundamental attribution error.”
“When
you don’t know much about a person, when you haven’t had a chance to get to
know him or her, you have a tendency to turn the person into a character. You
lean on archetypes and stereotypes culled from experience and fantasy. Even
though you know better, you still do it.”
“According
to psychologist Harold Kelly, when you conjure an attribution for someone
else’s actions, you consider consistency.”
“When
you can’t check for consistency, you blame people’s behavior on their
personality.”
“You
commit the fundamental attribution error by believing other people’s actions
burgeon from the sort of people they are and have nothing to do with the
setting.”
“When
you interpret your loved one’s coldness as his or her indifference to your
wants and needs instead of as a reaction to stress at work or problems
ricocheting in your loved one’s own heart, you’ve committed the fundamental
attribution error.”
“The
fundamental attribution error leads to labels and assumptions about who people
are, but remember first impressions are mostly incorrect.”
Recommended
Reading
If
you like You Are Not So Smart, you may also enjoy the following books:
Contagious:
Why Things Catch On by Jonah Berger
Drive:
The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel H. Pink
To
Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Persuading, Convincing, and
Influencing Others by Daniel H Pink
